There are some hidden ways that we can inadvertently cause our child’s alarm levels to increase.
Here we explore this using real-life examples from my coaching client, Anna, a mum of 3.
Firstly, if we treat our child’s raised alarm/anxiety like it is a BIG deal then it will certainly give their brain the ‘danger’ message that there is something to worry about. This can lead to more anxious thoughts and behaviours in our children, including avoidance. So, if we show that we are scared by their behaviour, irritated by it or that we can’t handle it then it makes sense that our child will feel less safe and secure and more anxious.
The thought of ‘separation’ from those that we are attached to brings alarm into a child’s system – this includes the ‘psychological separation’ they may experience when their parent is angry or scared by their behaviours and they can feel strong shame which then continues the cycle of alarm.
Anna says, “in having two anxious girls, I have noticed first-hand how their anxious behaviours can trigger anxiety in myself. How I deal with my anxiety in turn either increases or decreases theirs.”
Anna describes below a typical situation that many of us can relate to.
“It’s Thursday morning and for whatever reason, my daughter today is feeling particularly anxious. She rejects her packed lunch and decides she wants school dinner. She changes outfits three times. Finally, when we’re already late, she sits on the floor, not wanting to be touched, refusing to make a decision about going to school or not.”
I can actually feel what I think is my blood pressure going up –nervous energy is pulsing through my arms and legs. I notice my irritation is turning to fear and anger”
In this moment that Anna describes there are likely two possible outcomes:
- She reacts angrily or urgently from this place of fear and nervousness and the combination of her energy and body language tips her daughter into stronger anxious feelings, a heightened alarm state and possibly an anxiety attack; also, Anna can’t recall what she knows will help her daughter as her brain has also gone into survival mode.
- She stops, notices what she is feeling, gives herself some space and self- compassion for this difficult moment and takes a pause to ground herself before trying to communicate acceptance of her daughter’s experience, letting her know that she loves her even when she is struggling, that she knows this will pass and helps her move forward from a place of connection. Being in a grounded place means Anna can also recall what to do to help her daughter including the things she has learnt in coaching.Another very common way in which we can unwittingly affect our child’s anxiety is through believing our own distorted thoughts about our children or anxiety itself.
In the morning struggle that Anna shared with us this is exactly what happened.
She explains:
“My thoughts at the time are: Why can’t she pull herself together? What have I done to make her like this?”
The false beliefs behind these are that her child is going to get worse and fail in life and It’s all my fault, I’ve parented wrong. These black and white thoughts increase my anxious feelings (about her failing in life) and shame (I am a bad parent).
If I don’t stop myself at this point, take some deep breaths, and repeat more balanced thoughts I’ve practiced before (see below), then I know what will happen. I will react with anger as a coping mechanism, because it feels active and like I’m taking my power back in what is a situation where I easily feel helpless.
I’ll lash out at her, tell her to get it together “How are you going to cope with secondary school if you behave like this, you make my life harder” All said in a terse, very irritated voice. Obviously, I don’t need to point out that this is only going to increase her anxiety, and she will feel bad about herself. Understandably she will get defensive and tell me to go away and it will probably trigger more of her unhelpful behaviours, like changing clothes again or curling up in a ball.
The result is that the connection is broken. Now, I can’t get through to her at all, she feels a lack of understanding, no love, support or compassion.
Back to the more balanced thoughts:
This moment will pass.
She’s struggling right now.
I want to support her through this.
Even if I don’t always get it right, I am a good enough parent.
This calms my anxiety. I don’t need anger to get through this moment. I can show her I understand her anxious feelings, I am here for her.
I am reminded that this is only one moment in time and think of all the times she has coped this week, enjoyed herself or overcome a tricky challenge. I can remind her of this too. If she accepts it, I can even offer a warm hug or a joke.
This is the power of taking a pause in action. It’s simple, but it isn’t easy.
I currently manage it about 50% of the time, it’s a work in progress. Changing our usual response to our child’s anxiety is a practice. Like a muscle that needs to be challenged over and over to grow stronger.
It’s the same with practicing more helpful thinking, which then leads to a different feeling in the moment. That more helpful feeling, be it calm (ish) and steady rather than panicky or even simply ‘accepting’ of what is happening. This will determine how I act towards my child.
Anna is right, noticing our unhelpful thoughts, questioning them and playing with them to find alternatives is a practice but it is a life changing one.
In my coaching I like to use the phrase “little and often deepens the grooves”, the first step is just to try. Take 5 minutes today to identify an unhelpful thought you have had about your own parenting situation.
What will help you to stop, notice what you’re feeling, and shift into feeling more grounded, and connect with your child?
Can you think of an alternative thought that feels lighter/less stressful, more peaceful?
How could this alternative thought alter the course of YOUR stressful morning?
