When coaching parents whose children are often worried or anxious, I like to start with looking at what works and doesn’t work when they respond to them.
We can fall into the trap with our children of trying to reassure them that they have nothing to worry about and that everything will be ok; in a completely understandable attempt to soothe them and be kind & nurturing. We may, for example, say “Don’t worry” or “you don’t need to worry about that” and go into detail about ‘why’.
However, the alarm system in our brains responsible for worry and anxious thoughts absolutely LOVES this and gets the message that they were right to be worried about ‘the thing’, that there was ‘real danger’ and that next time it comes up they will worry about it even more! Possibly bringing an exaggerated alarm response in your child as well. Worry thinks it has a ‘job to do’ (to protect us) and reassuring our kids in these moments gives worry the message that it has done a ‘great job’ so it ends up feeding it and it can grow. Making accommodations for our children’s worries can have the same effect.
So, essentially, reassuring can be self-defeating and if you continue to try and reassure them you will find that whilst there is some temporary relief immediately afterwards, more worries come up later. Suddenly, you are stuck in a never-ending game of ‘whack-a mole’ and getting increasingly frustrated. Sound familiar?
From experience I have found it is more helpful to start responding to our children’s worries with complete acceptance and validation, even if their worries seem crazy to us, we need them to know that we understand it feels scary to them and that it is totally normal to be feeling funny; worries can feel scary!
In these moments our kids really want to be heard and understood more than anything else, then we can offer more connection which will release tension, soothe them and give their alarm system the ‘all clear signal’. Connection can come in the form of hugs and closeness and/or a big dose of playfulness to help release the tension.
It may help you in these moments to think of it as you needing to turn up the A/C (not Air-Con): Acceptance + Connection = Safety.
In addition to this undesired effect of reassuring it is also quite disempowering, particularly as our children are growing into the pre-teen and teen stage. It is better if we help them manage their own worry and find ways to move forward with it.
Look out for another blog post on this coming soon!
I work with parents to help them support their children through worry and anxiety so that they can keep moving forward in their lives and not get stuck in its grip. I do this at the pace that the parent is comfortable with, step by step. Change is a process!
Please do get in touch if you would like to learn more.
